Sep 7, 2015

sleepless awake,
i reached for the trigger
and immersed myself head-first.

you make me believe in the one that got away*.
our "where have you been all my life?"...

i toyed with the idea of you.
illegal as it already is,
i toyed with the idea of you.

distance provided the never know,
...when and how did we collide?

desperately i drift away and please, i must keep on forward,
yet this stream trickles dry
resting me onto foreign shores.

i toyed with the idea of you.
illegal as it really is,
i painfully toyed with the wonder of you.

breathless, i must swim for the horizon
hurriedly, before another dared moment
of this idea of you.

*URBAN DICTIONARY: in virtually any context, someone you meet and share a significant encounter with who holds qualities akin to "the one" but for circumstance sake you are separated from; always after the fact.

Aug 21, 2015

someone asked where you've been.
the sudden missing-in-action from my life.

they noticed. i knew it. you knew it. 
but we found out too late.
our level for concern were on two different planets in two different galaxies.

in answering for your absence, it forced me to reflect once again on that 16-months of darkness.

there was just no way around it.

you broke my heart. mm-hmm. but i think the real truth is this - i broke my own heart when i handed it to you. awake, sober, albeit high, for sure but, i was present.

in some form, i was.

blame you? 
not entirely.

so here's to painful lessons and war scars.
here's to darkness if only to know blinding light. 
i lived to tell this tale.

hope you're living yours well.

Aug 19, 2015

it offered the means to travel.
it offered the ability to sponsor another child.
it offered the avenue to finally show what i may be made of.

an open door.
with a beating heart, i stood before it,

the temptation of more money tasted damn good.
so why did it make my head spin something crazy?

would this short term grow my long term plan?
will this short term grow too short into destruction?

i am ever grateful for human counsel.
for the practicality of their knowing the industry, the world,
in knowing me.

i am most grateful for their sensitivity to Abba.
Lord knows my crippled ears.

yet this waiting has dragged on for too long
the monster grunts louder under my bed.

yet again
Abba knew i needed this proof that He still cared.
that He was still in my life.

this "NO" should have been hard to swallow
it should have been but, my training isn't over -
the building of muscles in places so weak.

i firmly closed the door offered me.
"why??" ...because, "this isn't my move yet."

Aug 10, 2015

one week without my personal cellphone is like being thrown off my regular beat right into the deeper ends of my self-consciousness. like an addict, inertly i moan and slug through the minutes of my day, feeling the physical void of a piece of technology.

a piece of technology that serves me a hearty meal of jealousy.

with each swipe, i wonder why my life isn't theirs.
with each swipe, my heart burns and my breath thickens with choking fumes.

i have questioned and still question
about my passions and how it lines up with my lack of talents.
about the unfairness of having to watch specific people flourish in theirs.

it's so disgusting to feel that you know that the lives they live are exactly what you've always dreamed for yourself. disgustingly true, ugly and ...pathetic.

how is it seemingly so easy for them?
where do their flock of encouragement just keep appearing from?
why do their doors keep opening while i keep walking face first into walls?

the lover of design in me dies when i look down at my puny hands.
the lover of photography in me shrivels when i evaluate my work.


only real artists call their results 'work'.
a word with the heavy value of actually having something to show.

...i keep telling myself to let go of my childhood love for all things creative.
but then, what will that leave me with? who will i be?

early in my today as i proceeded to sit down for another meal of envy, i was greeted with:

oh dear favorite preacher of mine, did you say that so simply?

Francis, do you really understand?

now that the eyes of my heart have seen that,
what do i do? do i overcome? do i stop scrolling and start living?

Aug 4, 2015

you really need to go.
right after i do.