Jun 21, 2016

dear strangest friend of my third decade,
you will always be the crazy one.

it isn't fair,
you who took me under your wings, so sacrificially.
you who watched out for my every step, from a near distance.

it isn't fair,
you who guided, encouraged, laughed at and with me.

it isn't fair,
that we now have to grief for this dream;
the dream you dream, the one i dream.

how fair is it that i have to go alone
without my mentor and friend?

every mountain and valley,
i know i will be wishing for your mischievous glint.

May 11, 2016

i am
a runaway.

far away from the me i cannot 
sit and talk with.

who am i in the face of honesty?

why do i need your approval?
why do i like the way you make me feel?
why do i regret you like that one-too-many glasses of beer?

don't catch me.
i don't want you to.

i run.

Apr 7, 2016

i wish to write,
but i don't know how.

i wish to write about
the way my heart beats quicker in fear, just at the mere thought of bumping into them. into the people i once knew so dearly with all of me and now, are the ones i try to avoid. "let's go to that cafe!" but, "will i see them there?"

have i changed so bitter?

i wish to write about
how my trip to India is now at a crossroads of activating plan B, plan C, or no plan at all. kicked off with bold excitement, it all seems to fizzle as d-day draws near with the harsh realities of the physical and financial strain that has its days of being too overwhelming. the possible disappointments that may await me sits pretty in the corner of my overworking mind. 

have i changed more indecisive?

i wish to write about
that crazy, sleepless night as i tossed and turned, blasting music into my ears to shut myself out, verbally telling myself to "go slow!" as my heart flew in wild imaginations of that stranger person who so suddenly grew into the one for all my boxes. ...until the big strike - his unavailability. i laugh at the little girl inside - at her courage for love. sure enough, in a typical swoop, hawk-like talons tear her apart and bitterness concerning all things relationship locks her right back into a dark cage.

have i changed so spiteful?

i wish to write about
this desperation i feel with my insecurities at work upon the arrival of a new team member. how more loudly my silent presence now speaks upon the bright light that has arrived and the expectations that now arise. yet i can't quit from this little bit that i seemingly can do. i am so desperate for You to move and help me understand this forever struggle... but, it is i who have shut You out.

oh, have i lost all Salvation?

i wish to write.
i wish to write.
i just don't know how.

Feb 21, 2016

"what advice would you give a 17 year old?", he asked.

caught in a second of brain freeze, i looked him in the eye and as if to a mirror, 

"don't worry about knowing what you want to do with your life. don't stress about career or finding the right thing to do. you'll never know 'cause even when you do, it may change.

and that's okay. it's okay to change.

as you grow, you discover more about who you are and the passions that come along. life will always throw the hard stuff at you but that doesn't limit you.

right now, be wise in the choosing of your social circle for these are the people whom you will need through the changes in life. they will be the ones to hold you when careers crash, when life crashes."

wished i had more time to tell him that - 
"people change. friends come and go. let them go. there are billions of people in the world. another will come into your life. 

loneliness is real, but it doesn't define your worth. and you are worth more than you can ever imagine. so when you can't, let the people around you hold the faith for you."

to that 17 year old, 
as you go through life questioning the reason for the pain and sickness in your body, as you question the unfairness of your physical capabilities, i hope you will begin to question the very existence of a God who loves you and who didn't make a mistake with you.

not even for a scientific second.

Feb 14, 2016

curled up on the floor
feeling so scared. 

am i truly wasting my life? 
will i regret not pursuing what people say i should?
is my life forever going to be a rut?

passionless. emotionless. hopeless. 

i feel so scared. so rushed. so overwhelmed and lost. 
i thought life finally felt like it was going somewhere
but now, 

the waiting feels wrong.
even moving feels wrong. 

i hate hating the things i tearfully utter.
i hate how i can't stand up for me. 

life is said to have a reason.
so, where are You?