Feb 27, 2015

i don't want to love anymore.
i don't want to go through another heartache of intense void,
this voiceless sting of seeing him with another.

i don't want to love anymore.

this purging him out of my life is so painful.
each time i can only tell You how much i cannot do this
and acknowledge how much more of You i need to consume me.

Feb 25, 2015

lately, life has brought about intense conversations with people who have spread their wings in the world, or as i might say; are bravely bearing their souls to the heat of the sun. they sit me down with wide-eyed advise on my life and decipher my story of where i would like to "be". their hearts and genuine intentions gently but firmly pouring out fireballs of stories, both good and bad, in the hopes of finally getting me to move a centimeter off of my ass and dip my toes into the world.

i sit listening, nodding my head, hearing myself mutter repeatedly, "i know...but,...". deep down, frustration builds and i wriggle in conscious control and try, somehow, to change the subject but more, to defend myself.

defend myself? ...from what?

fear? check. insecurities? check. comfort-zone-complacency? huge check.

above all, i am frustrated with the things i do not know - what are my passions? what are my talents and giftings? what would i be doing if money wasn't an issue? and even if i have an answer, are they real? are they solid? could those things just be senseless phases? are they mine to hope and build on? 

"you'll never know until you try. it will never be until you do!"
"if you make a mistake, - come home, start over!"

so much noise. just so much noise going on in my head, in my heart and on the outside. it keeps ballooning, this feeling of urgency to quickly up and chase a purpose - my purpose. shouldn't i already know a fraction of what that is?

am i retarded for not knowing?

"you keep waiting for a sign but sometimes, you just gotta do it!"
"take risks!"

i feel so lost and pressured. yes, pressured to live my dreams. pressured to finally be the person i have always wanted to be. pressured to 'show results' to the people who have walked with me through my seemingly inconsolable whines of dissatisfaction with life.

yes, i keep waiting for open paths albeit not ignoring its impending twists and turns. i keep waiting because i know what it has been like living a life of dreaming and trying to chase wrong doors. i know what it is like to hate my Father for not giving me what i want. i know what a life in darkness can do to an already rotting, bitter soul. i know what it is like to live in the depression of disappointments, stemmed mainly from my own taking hold of the reigns.

so let people talk. let me keep making the mistake of missed opportunities. let it come because unless i am so sure that it is a nudge from the Lord, i will not budge. heck yeah - i am scared, irritated and nauseous to.my.core in this "waiting upon the Lord". i could be doing it all wrong but, i trust my Father knows how to deal with me and that He will not allow me to destroy myself. i trust that in every season, He is still God and He is good.

all i want is this - at the end of my last breath,
will He know me at Heaven's gate?
will i know Him?

i wish to just shut the world off and focus on wanting more of Him because, as much as i know it in my head, my heart hasn't come to the full conviction that that is my purpose in life, that that is all i desire for - Yahweh.

Feb 23, 2015

aside from its fiery cringe,
i have forgotten how beautiful chilies can be.
a reminder on life and its journeys.

Feb 19, 2015

i had always wanted to go watch the new year fireworks and two years ago, you said we would. at least, that you would accompany me (though we ended up never-ever)was everything just a season of transition - your having loads of free time and i, naively filled in the slots?

your slots now fill with so much and i rejoice in your accomplishments and support your hopes. yet i feel... pathetically weirdit was something i would've foretold myself (i did. many times) - i was just the much needed season and as i crossed over, you remained on the other side - flabbergasted at my bold step while juggling your heart for someone else.

i wish the signs had been louder.
okay, fine.
i should've been quicker to accept the truth and prevented deeper scars.

but like a first kiss that should always be kept for only one, i might've given away parts of my emotions that i can never claim back. ...and now i must keep growing so i won't keep falling into these empty holes.

like that season, - i may be wrong. but i write to remind myself that i put me up for burns when i fall too quickly for my weakness - words. i write to remind my little girl that just because a good person speaks my love languages, he isn't necessarily ..."there" or "it"...whateverlike tonight as i was chasing these beautiful fireworks, i slipped and fell, - bleeding and badly bruising my freshly unboxed camera body + utmost favorite prime lens. *tears* *insert flying dollars* *blood* *more tears* *slow limp walk home as war raged on in the skies*

if only i was slow to feel
and quicker to inquire of Abba.

maybe you should have had remained "that stranger".
maybe under these fireworks, i surrender.

Feb 16, 2015

i remember the overwhelming sadness the day of this photo. today, it would be a lie to deny that that very same burden has been tightly tucked hidden within the quiet parts of me. 

its existence proves itself in my need to fill the empty days and hours, to fill the silence that once was of high spirited chatter with the people i most cared about. its proven in my raging need to run away to another city for my birthday and forget the trauma of the last one but more, - the need to celebrate me. it's loudly in the very first thoughts of my mornings as i reach for that phone and the very last as i try to drift into real sleep...

i still sit in the dark and wonder why, wish it never were, what did i do wrong and do i have to try and make it right? am i allowed to feel it unfair that i am the one to blame for these now awkward friendships?

day in, day out, i allow life to consume me with tasks and things to look forward to.
but i am growing weary of forcing myself to heal...

i am saddened to have lost the closeness of her friendship, that she too may have given up. as much as i try to love in the midst of pain she will never understand, i force myself to see that despite him choosing her over me, her life was to enter the inevitable season where she spreads her wings and fly and i, - silently watch and cheer. always.

i learn to love from a distance.
i learn to not offer love when i honestly have none to give.

i am saddened to have lost the trust in his friendship. like the biggest hypocrite, i am strong in front of him but crumble like sand when we say our goodbyes. i disgust myself at every sharp tinge of mistrust at his mere mention of any lady and even maybe, his lack of mention. i question if i really did care and honestly, i did. i did and honestly thought i could, for forever. but why should i, when it was misled, unwelcomed. why can't i begin to honestly not care for him?

i learn to love from a distance.
i learn to not add to his confusion, to give space to uncoil and realign. 

i know a broken heart will mend.
but lately i find that so hard to believe...