Feb 1, 2016

for years, i dreamed of the colors, the taste, the sounds.
like a rushing wind, it swept me up in a tornado of emotions and sensations that i hold precious to know.

and again, it calls to me.

where do i begin?
where do i begin here on the 32nd day of a year that holds so much uncertainties in the plans i am working so hard on, putting so much hope in, breathing my entirety into?

Ladakh - Jodhpur - Bhagwanpur

3 weeks, 3 destinations, 3 very personal journeys.
30 years on earth and only now,
only now do i feel like a newborn finding her lungs.

this one thing that makes me breathe just keeps taking my breath away.

i am terrified out of my wits,
awake in the night i question my sanity, motives, my abilities.
i doubt my foothold in this uphill climb dream.

i am not much different from the people who question my desire.

yet they will never understand.
they will never feel this pull in my heart...

my lungs need air
- i greedily gulp.

this is my journey.
oh, a journey it will be...

Nov 17, 2015

dearest  Anshu,

tonight as i fall asleep, my thoughts drift to you. as i lay in bed, i imagine that you are too, in yours, beside your sisters, mom and dad. 

i started to pray for you.

i prayed that Jesus will let you know how much i love you, how much He loves you. i prayed that He will grant you strength in the places you feel weak. i prayed that He will give you hope in the dreams you dream, in the things that you desire for.

i don't know you, yet i do. at least, i really want to.

i don't know the daily things you go through. i don't know the circumstances that you have to face and the fears you have to ignore and the ones that you always feel weighed under.

tonight i wish i could sit by you and listen to you, listen to your heart. i want to tell you that you are more than you can ever think, or feel.

you are not mine, you are His.
you are not mine, you are mommy's and daddy's.
yet there is this part of me that knows you are mine - a part of my heart.

please be well tonight, Anshu.
Didi will soon and finally be able to give you the hugs she has only been seeing in her mind.

16 NOV 2015, 11:49PM

Nov 15, 2015

"quit smoking", a friend wrote on a tag he left me in.

i laughed.
but strangely, felt mildly offended.

"being lonely is bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, " the Instagram quote read.

lonely? what do you mean? i'm not lonely!

look - how many times do i have to explain to the universe that just because i am very, extremely single at age 29, doesn't make me 'lonely'. i am not desperately desiring nor am i in any kind of biological-clock-ticking hurry. don't get me wrong - despite being traumatized and burned too many times, i still believe in love and am not a closed book on the possibilities or even, the subject as a whole.

i enjoy romance and am the giddiest when friends are in one.

so, lonely.

a few days later,
those lines finally sank in...

yes, i am.

but not in the romantic notion.

proof is in my daily routine of work, home, youtube, sleep, repeat.
"who do you hang out with? where do you go lately?" questions i hate because the answers don't just flabbergast the interviewer but the interviewee.

the loudest of this fact is felt when i am in church.

a homegrown Christian girl should never ever say such things.
such absurdity - have i backslid in my faith?

i mean, the church is the most loving, safe place.

– isn’t it?

as i sit alone every Sunday, it is hard not to observe the cheerful faces as everyone clumps together with their groups of friends / ministry fellows and, for those whose families practically make up a huge chunk of the church, they are always with someone by their side.

church pot bless or food fund raising sessions are the worst and, most awkward –

where do i sit? everyone’s got their usual circle filled around that table. okay, maybe i’ll just stand here. small talk, alright. i can do this. oh, they kinda dwindled away. that’s alright. but, ah...what do i do now?

today, i am wiser – i just go home after 20 minutes, at most.
my lonely silence is easier to deal with than the empty / forced conversations.

i ask myself; why feel the loneliest in church?

yes, practically all of my old friends i grew up with have left the church or the city and these have been the people whose companionship made me look forward to the weekends after a crazy week of "living in the world".

but i guess it’s because i thought the church were people whom i can and should feel an anchor with -  the ability to share our intimate struggles and lean on each other for the strength to face the world another week ahead. a place where strong friendships are built, the kind where you just hangout together on a whim to chill, talk, -- connect.

but maybe i’m wrong.
maybe i’m doing church all wrong.

church is to worship my Lord and to receive His Word.
it can’t be about human relationships too, right?

i must be doing church all wrong.

and also, maybe, this loneliness is just me.
me doing life all wrong.

Nov 12, 2015

i wonder about relationships. 
what is it about this thing that draws you, makes you pine and even, strive -  to be heard, to be felt, ...to be known?

it's a risk, they say.

don't need to tell me. i took it. and not just once, as we all do; one too many times. you sleep atop a mountain of rubble. its loopholes presenting warnings yet a stubborn heart covers it with blankets of 'positive energy'.

until it all runs out.

wake up.
you wake up in jolts. unending.

and you start to wonder about relationships.

is it worth it?
am i worth it?

your shadow becomes the stalker who won't quit stabbing at you.

he says, "you were stupid!"
he jives, "you begged for it!"

today, my heart seems to regress in its strength.
i feel the familiar pains.

i have learned my lesson.
now i wish this lesson will stop.

Nov 4, 2015

holding it together is
training your sniffles and winning gravity's tears.
stress is bad acting with a standing ovation.

holding it together is
your head up high and quick, faint-hearted paces.
stress is cowering in urine stenched stalls.

holding it together is
purposeful driving into long, damned traffic.
stress is sobbing behind blurried wheels. 

the need of kind, constant pardon
for your words, your actions and thoughts. 

stress is ugly. 
stress is so fugly. 

the current state of i.